The five extra commandments that Moses didn't bring down from the mountain:

The five extra commandments that Moses didn't bring down from the mountain

 

Art Buchwald's ghost took me to visit a Cecil B DeMille production. God came to me to discuss the five extra commandments that Moses didn't bring down from the mountain:

 

G - Did you see "Ten Commandments?"

I - Of course, I did! All Hindoos who could, must have seen it. They tried to give it an 'A' certificate but it didn't work

 

G - Don't get off the track. Do you remember the climatic scene?

 

I - It has three 'c's God, not two.

 

G - Whatever. Do you remember it? The climactic scence?

 

I - You mean the one in which Moses is descending from the mountain carrying the 10 Commandments: Who doesn't remember that? Who will forget that? We here in India were fascinated by it. Our Hindoo gods don't live atop mountains. They are supposed to be all around and within us. And they never issue commandments. It's all pretty confusing. That's why any Tom & Dick guru gets the better of us... That Paramount studio God was like what a God should be. Clear. Unequivocal. Forthright. Assertive. 'Thou shalt ' this and 'Thou shalt not' that! He sure never let any grass grow under his feet....Cecil B DeMille's orchestra put all it had in it... After the show, I trampled upon many dentures that had fallen off their owners' jaws because of all the din and vibration. Made me fill I was crushing bone China under my feet.

 

G - DeMille was not the music director. He was the producer. But unscatter your brains for the time I am visiting with you, will you? You're beginning to aggravate me with your asides. Just tell me do you remember, or, do you remember not?

I - Yes, Sir! I do. But why did you ask?

G - Well, too bad Moses didn't have a third hand and didn't know how to carry a load on his head llike you Hindoos do.

I - Now, it's your turn to gather your wits, God. How can I respond to your riddles? What do you mean "Moses didn't have a third hand? In the first place, you, God, never make any humans with three hands. Jerry Falwell would have mentioned it, if you had.

 

G - Oh, I did, I did, but I must have put them on a different planet in another solar system in a galaxy not too far from yours. Your Goddess Umä keeps frying ladles and ladles of planets for me to fill them up with Life. Keeps me so busy I never get a chance to visit one a second time. She takes her tips from that Dik Browne comic strip about that Viking, Hagar The Horrible...  But that's not the point. It's Moses; he up and took off with those two tablets. I tried to call him back, "Moses! Moses! come back and get this third tablet I am working on right now." But my voice was drowned in that defeaning musical score they played. Moses never heard me. That third tablet, carrying five more of my commandments is still lying there buried onn that mountain. It's your job to go get it.

 

I - Un-Un, God, not I! I am a DAD person. I have no passport, no visa, no money or time to go get it. My knees are buckling under my belly's weight. I can't stand the heat. My lust will not be able to withstand the charms of all those lovely Jewish ladies. Besides, they don't have the marmelos fruit tree over there in Israel. You know I am addicted to drink its juice every morning, lacing it with yogurt...All I have is a long white beard. And Mossad wouldn't be Mossad if it let any old man play Moses, just on the strength of a beard, would it? ...Why don't you just tell me what those five commandments are? I'll put them on my blog and the word will get around without missionaries having to set up churches and getting caught with young boys. That one, over there in LA, is now on the verge of selling all its properties to pay off all those child-abuse lawsuits..

G - Okay, smarty-pants. Haul out thy keyoard.

 

I - Aye, aye Cap'n! All hands! Action Stations, now!!

G - Thou shalt not mix sand with charcoal.

 

I - Er - Did I hear you right God? Sand? charcoal? What kind of commandment is that?

G - It's about Carbon and Silicon, you dumbo! Next!

Thou shalt not trade in Carbon. I have an IPR lock on that element. No one can trade in Carbon without paying royalty to me. I shall smite them with the latest WTO injunction

I - ...(tapping the keyboard)...Not trade in carbon, okay!

 

G - Thou shalt give up the Roman Script

I - God! Don't be that tough on humankind! How can it fight Al Quaeda if it can't use the Roman Script?

 

G - Next! Though Shalt stand up against the Grunch

I - Most of us don't even know who/what a Grunch is. 

 

G - Make a Google link to that Grunch page, you idiot! Next! Thou shalt not look for weapons of mass destruction anywhere because I have them all and will use them if you delay acting on the Climate Change crisis.

 

I - I like that, commandment God. Last I heard Tony Blair was trying to persuade David Lean to do a 'Lawrence of Arabia' with him riding a camel through Iran. You know he is out of a job. 

 

G - You mean Blair will go look for WMDs in Iraq some more?

 

I - No, God, I meant Iran! That's next on the U S, aka, Dick Cheney's list. I guess they're 'doing' all countries whose names begin with an 'I'. A decade or so ago, General Dynamics did a scenario that showed 300 sites in India where they needed to drop missles... You'll come to protect us, won't you, God?... That submarine man, Jimmy Carter, has a thing against Israel, too. Australia's John Howard wants to take out Indonesia.

 

When I looked up from the keyboard, God had disappeared. All I had was a 17" Cathode Ray Tube behind which was a cruddy magnetron. On the screen, was this message: "There's a sixth commandemnt but it's for you only: Thou shalt listen to the radio in moderation"

 

I - "Damn you!". I hit the [Send] button, vowing to look up 'Self-Exorcise, How To" so I could take care of A.B.'s ghost

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